


Nothing comes as easy as you

by nopex3 (Imsuretheyarentinlove)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Memory Loss, Q slur, just once not a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-03 00:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5270240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imsuretheyarentinlove/pseuds/nopex3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Alright, Sonny, do you know who the president is?”</p><p>	“Obama, I voted for him. Will you let me know what’s goin’ on please? Who was that woman?”</p><p>	He nodded and wrote down a few things in Sonny’s chart, “Real quick, do you know yesterday’s full date.”</p><p>	Sonny thought about it for a second. “It’s 2014, September the ummm 7th. I remember ‘cause me and my mother went to dinner to celebrate me gettin’ placed in Manhattan SVU.” He studied the Doctor’s face, read his expression as he jotted down several more notes in Sonny’s chart. “That’s not right, is it Doc?”</p><p>	“No, not exactly.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like a locket around your throat

“So…. how long has this been going on and when were you planning on telling me about it?”

Sonny blanched at his co-worker’s words and immediately broke into a cold sweat, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Amanda rolled her eyes and leaned in close to whisper, “don’t play dumb Carisi. You and Barba have been dating for….” She raised her eyebrows expectantly and gestured for Sonny to finish what she started.

Sonny swallowed and gritted his teeth, “About a year, some of that was just hook ups though.” He paused considering whether he should elaborate then decided it was worth it to finally be able to tell someone, “It’ll be six months on Tuesday.”

Sonny couldn’t help but smile thinking about the restaurant he’d picked for their special date next week. He hadn’t actually celebrated a six month anniversary since high school, but to get to do something so normal and romantic for his boyfriend, he’d find any excuse.

“Wow, who else knows?”

“Just you.” He said with a shrug. He started to plan in his head how to tell Raf that Amanda knew. Then something occurred to him, “wait, what gave us away?”  
Amanda laughed in surprise, causing Sonny to look around and make sure nobody was listening in, they weren’t. “Are you kidding? Tell Barba most co-workers don’t give each other heart eyes while discussin’ double homicide.” She placed her hand over her mouth to suppress another round of laughter but Sonny was already too distracted to be offended.

He would also need to bring that up the next time he saw Rafael, if they were gonna keep this secret from (almost) everyone, the longing looks would not help at all. Sonny was reminded of something Rafael had admitted to him awhile back. It had been before they were even official, when they were both still pretending what they had was just a fling, just a way to kill time. But that night Sonny and Rafael had swung by a local bar after a surprisingly good day in court against a serial rapist. They both had two celebratory drinks before deciding their time would be better spent having celebratory sex. Afterwards, the combination of alcohol, intercourse, and probably sleep deprivation, had left Rafael without a filter, whereas usually, every word that left his mouth was purposeful and had at least a double meaning.

“Y’know,” he’d smiled, placing a gentle hand against Sonny’s stubbley face, “you’re kind of brilliant. Sometimes when you get really going explaining a perp’s M.O. or you know exactly what to say to get a witness talking, I just can’t help but feel proud. Takes everything I’ve got to not just kiss you right in the middle of the precinct.” That moment, those words, the look on Rafael’s face, it was all so honest and beautiful. Sonny wished he could say those things were what made him realize he was in love with Rafael. Instead they scared the shit out of him, so he waited until Rafael fell asleep, went back to his own apartment and didn’t talk to Rafael for the next two days.

Sonny felt so dumb about it now, he had said much more intense stuff to Rafael since then. He was so head over heels it was kind of embarrassing sometimes. Actually he was impressed they had stayed secret this long with them working around an elite squad of detective every day.

“So,” Amanda said, bringing Sonny out of his sentimental trance “Maybe we could discuss more over lunch?”

Sonny smiled at the idea of food, stood up to put on his coat then pointed a finger at Amanda, “you’re payin’ right?” He asked, pulling a cocky grin. “’Cause if I’m gonna spill the beans about my personal life over a burger I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”

“Oh Sonny,” She said in a cooing voice, turning to leave the precinct, “I thought you’d be used to payin’ people to listen to you talk?”  
“Hey, words hurt y’know,” he said but following her out the front door.

 XxxxX

Later that day, after Sonny had made up for time lost on his extra-long lunch break (which was barely 30 minutes but it seemed like an eternity compared to eating takeout at his desk over case files) Sonny waited outside the precinct for his boyfriend. He texted Rafael when he had first gotten out, clued him in that Rollins had found out about them, but after a few minutes of waiting in the January cold he got impatient and decided to call his boyfriend.

Rafael picked up after just two rings, talking through the speaker in a strong professional voice. “A.D.A Barba speaking.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, “I know who you are Raf, I also know it’s almost-“He tapped his smart watch to bring it out of sleep mode, “eleven o’clock. Whatever you’re working on can wait a few hours, and we need to talk.”

“Yeah, ok, I’ll see you in a few minutes,” he said begrudgingly

“Well, don’t make me wait too long, I’m freezin’ my ass off out here.”

Rafael chuckled affectionately, “watch yourself detective.” He paused but Sonny knew he was just considering his next word, “I love you.”

Sonny looked around to make sure there was nobody else in earshot, “yeah, love you too. Now get out here before I finally find someone who doesn’t loves me more than paperwork.”

With that they both finally hung up. Sonny couldn’t help but feel bad that he still hesitated talking affectionately to his own boyfriend, even in the middle of the night when nobody could even know who he was talking to. After a year he was still so hung up on what other people thought about them, they had been hooking up for almost a month before Sonny could even admit he maybe wasn’t completely straight, that Rafael wasn’t just a temporary lapse of judgement. Not that Sonny had anything against being gay, even before SVU expanded his world view, he was never homophobic. But saying he was alright with two dudes gettin’ married was a lot different than admitting he had feelings for his male co-worker. Then there was the situation with his parents, which was- Sonny didn’t like to think about it. That’s why the dinner next week was so important to him, it was a chance to show the progress he had made, prove he wasn’t so afraid of being himself anymore.

Sonny felt someone tap him on the shoulder and smiled when he saw his boyfriend, pulling him in for a quick kiss. “Counselor, you took you’re time.”

Rafael’s mouth spread into the same half smirk he got when a defendant gave exactly the answer he was looking for. “C’mon detective, why would I need to rush? We both know there’s no handsome older lawyers looking for a new boy toy at this time of night.”

Sonny’s jaw went slack at the mention of ‘boy toy,’ he placed a hand against his chest and pulled a scandalized look. “That all I am to you? Just a piece of arm candy, I’ll have you know where I come from there are plenty of people who would appreciate me for my mind.”

Rafael shook his head dismissively, his smile fond, “I called us an Uber, they’re gonna pick us up at the café across the street in like, 2 minutes.”

Rafael reached out to grab Sonny’s hand but his phone buzzed and Sonny reached in his pocket to check it. “Aw damn, go ahead of me, I got a text.”

“You’re gonna make an old man cross the street by himself?” Rafael joked, but he was already stepping off the side walk and running to sit at a little black table in front of the coffee shop.

Sonny looked down at his phone, it was a text from his sister. She needed a babysitter for this weekend, one that would let her pay them in food. Sonny smiled down at his phone as he typed his response and walked towards the coffee shop, he loved taking care of his niece. He would do it for nothing if his sister asked but the free food was a bonus.  
“Sonny!”

He looked up at the sound of Rafael shouting his name. Sonny was about to shout back, to tell Rafael he was like halfway there and it was hard to walk and text so maybe he could cut Sonny some slack. But Rafael didn’t look impatient he looked concerned. Sonny wanted to know what Rafael was afraid of, so he stopped what he was doing.  
Everything happened so fast then, Rafael stood up and started shouting again, looking wildly from Sonny to somewhere down the street. But Sonny couldn’t even hear what he was saying, some loud obnoxious noise was drowning everything out, maybe? He turned and barely had time to look down the street before the car hit him.

 XxxxX

Pain, unbearable throbbing pain, right through Sonny’s freaking temple, not helped much by the blinding light in this room. “Ow,” He placed a hand over his eyes in an attempt to save his head from actually splitting. There was clean hair curling over his forehead, someone must’ve washed the gel out of it.

“Oh, Carisi, you’re awake.”

Sonny uncovered his eyes to find the unfamiliar voice and began to take in his surroundings. He could see immediately he was in a hospital, the cheap blanket and metal railings on the bed were an instant giveaway. Then when he looked outward he saw a woman sitting in a chair to his left looking concerned but relieved. She was probably in her mid-40’s with shoulder length brown hair, Sonny had no idea who she was. He didn’t think she was a doctor given the pants suit, maybe a lawyer?

“Was I in some sort of accident?”

The Women nodded and seemed to be considering her words, “According to witnesses you were distracted by your phone and stepped in front of a car while crossing the street. It was only going about 25 miles per hour so the only serious injuries were from how bad you’re fall was, the doctor will be here soon he’ll explain more in depth.” She stood, “your family was here earlier but I said I’d wait with you while they grabbed dinner. I’ll get the doctor.”

“Oh, well, just so ya know I’m not interested in suing or whatever.”

The woman frowned, “Okay. You probably want to talk to a lawyer about that.”

Sonny tipped his head in confusion, “Oh, I assumed you were my lawyer, you’re not a doctor are you?”

She opened her mouth to respond, then seemed to think better on it. “I should really get your doctor, he’ll explain.”

Carisi nodded but he was becoming more confused the longer he was awake. He ran a hand over his face, trying to organize his thoughts. Who was this woman? Why was she in his hospital room? Where the hell was his mustache!?! He felt the bare skin above his upper lip and cursed under his breath. It had taken him like a month and a half to grow that thing. This was too far, he needed that mustache for his new job. If he had it someone might actually respect him for once.

Suddenly a man in blue scrubs with blonde well-groomed hair walked into the room, the brunette woman following close behind. He turned to Sonny with a wide honest smile, “Hello, Dominick, Doctor Peeler, I’m here to explain you’re injuries and see how you’re healing up.” He offered his hand for Sonny to shake.

“Call me Sonny, Doc. Listen, before we do that I was just wonderin’ why you guys shaved my moustache?” He rubbed his face again to see if there was something like a scar from stitches.

“Carisi,” the brunette woman said, “you haven’t had a mustache in years.”

Ok, this was too much, “Look lady I don’t know who you are or why you have opinions about my facial hair, but if you could explain why you’re here that would be helpful for me.”

Doctor Peeler and the woman stared at each other and then Sonny, both looked like they wanted to say something but Peeler took the lead. “Sonny, you don’t know who this woman is?”

“No,” he said looking at the doctor like he was crazy, “should I?”

The doctor turned away from him for a moment, “Olivia maybe you should wait outside.” So that was her name.

Once the woman- Olivia, left, the doctor cleared his throat and began to look over Sonny’s chart. “Alright, Sonny, do you know who the president is?”

“Obama, I voted for him. Will you let me know what’s goin’ on please? Who was that woman?”

He nodded and wrote down a few things in Sonny’s chart, “Absolutely, just one more question, do you know yesterday’s full date?”

Sonny thought about it for a second. “It’s 2014, September the ummm 7th. I remember ‘cause me and my mother went to dinner to celebrate me gettin’ placed in Manhattan SVU.” He studied the Doctor’s face, read his expression as he jotted down several more notes in Sonny’s chart. “That’s not right, is it Doc?”

“No, not exactly.”


	2. Best kept secret

“How the hell can he have memory loss?” Rafael asked. His voice was strained, his mouth a tight neutral line as he tapped his fingers on his desk. “That car barely hit him, the M.E. said he would be fine.”

Rollins sighed, “I don’t really have all the details, just what Olivia told me. He is gonna be ok, they’re only keepin’ him tonight for observation, but apparently when he fell he hit his head on the pavement, hard enough to make him forget… some stuff.”

“How much ‘stuff’ did he forget?”

Rollins cringed, probably hoping she could avoid that and not have to be the one to tell him. “He remembers being assigned to this precinct, but after that nothin’ to do with us.”

Rafael clenched his jaw, and started taking deep breathes. He had a nauseous feeling deep in his stomach which he tried desperately to tamp down. It wouldn’t help anyone if he threw up on his offices’ brand new carpet. He kept the bile from rising his throat with the thought that Sonny had walked away alive, and physically almost unharmed

“Rollins, thank you for telling me, I can’t exactly visit him, what with nobody else who knowing we were together, or even that we were that close.” Rafael didn’t bother mentioning the fact that if Sonny lost two years of memory then the idea of him being attracted to another man might not have even occurred to him yet.

Rollins smiled at him sympathetically, “well, you got me, for what that’s worth.”

“I suppose I do, thanks to me and Sonny’s awful acting.” Rafael chuckled tiredly, then let out a sigh. “I really do appreciate you keeping me in the loop, but we both need to get back to work.” That was a lie, well for him it was. For once in his life Rafael was going home early. He had thrown himself into his work since Sonny’s accident but nothing short of complete inebriation could keep his mind off the love of his life forgetting who he was.

Rollins nodded in understanding, “before I go, when I was telling Sonny about what his life is like at SVU. I told him about you. Now, obviously it’s your decision whether or not to tell him you guys were datin’, but I said you guys were friends. You should’ve seen the look on Olivia’s face” She laughed awkwardly. “The point is, it probably wouldn’t be uncalled for to visit him once he’s back his apartment.”

Rafael quirked an eyebrow at her. “He lost two years of memory, I haven’t met his parents but I figured they’d want him to come stay with them in Staten Island after something like that.”

“They did, but the doctor said it might help him remember if he stuck to his usual schedule. Sonny was pretty determined to get back in the swing of things anyway, I mean you remember how excited he was to do well here the first time.”

Rafael didn’t actually remember that- he mostly recalled questionable facial hair and a horrible pea green button up- but he wasn’t paying much attention to the detective back then. His biggest regrets was probably how quick he was to dismiss Sonny when they first met, a close second was not convincing Sonny to let him tell Olivia about them. She was one of his best friends and he would really like to talk with her about this.

Rollins seemed to take Rafael’s blank face as a sign he was done talking to her so she left his office, adding a quick, “call if you need anything,” as the door closed. He appreciated the sentiment but they both knew he would not be taking her up on that offer. He had known her longer but outside of work she was much more Sonny’s friend than his. That said he was extremely grateful for her help and once she left he told his secretary,Carmen, to arrange for a reasonably priced gift to be sent to her apartment.

He went home after that, claiming a personal emergency to get out of work, which was actually completely accurate now that he thought about it. The second he got to his apartment he turned off his phone. He wasn’t interested in talking to anyone right now, and he couldn’t be sure that at some point during the night he would be able to resist the urge to call Sonny. Then he stripped down to his boxers, grabbed a bottle of whiskey and planted himself on the couch. He didn’t even bother grabbing a glass, choosing instead to drink straight from the bottle.

After a few drinks he allowed himself to fully process the situation. It finally occurred to him that, with Sonny having lost his memory, almost every part of their relationship would die with him. Sure there was Rollins but she barely knew anything about who they were to each other. It might as well be a story in Rafael for all the evidence there was of them. Sonny and he were such paranoid idiots with all their rules to keep it secret. Delete all romantic texts, no presents that were obviously from the other person. Under no circumstances should either of them leave their stuff at the other’s place because their mothers were brilliant yet nosy women who would spot that shit in like five seconds, (Sonny’s phrasing, not his.) As if their parents knowing would be the end of the world.

Rafael sighed and took another swig from his bottle. Why hadn’t he told someone sooner? Why hadn’t they moved in together? Why had he decided to stay at work so late that night? If he had waited for Sonny while he answered that text he would be fine right now and- actually, no, he was gonna stop all this self-pity right now. He was A.D.A Rafael freaking Barba dammit, he had faced serial killers and rapists in his career, he could handle a grown man who still asked to be called Sonny in professional settings. He just needed a plan: operation make Sonny fall in love with him… again. God, alcohol made him stupid, but he was on a roll now so he might as well keep track of his idiotic train of thought.

Rafael stumbled around for a few minute looking for a pen and paper, then flopped back down on the couch after finding one of Sonny’s half-filled notebook under a pile of books and having a quick cry over the memories it brought up (damn kid, couldn’t even follow his own rules.) He took another long drink of whiskey and began to write down his ideas.  
1\. Text Sonny Saturday (no way he was talking to Sonny for the first after the accident over the phone)  
2\. Ask if you can come over on Sunday to help Sonny figure out stuff for work/ law school  
3\. Sonny is very cute and his smile is makes you feel very warm in the chest area no Rafael focus, you’re not that drunk think of something brilliant  
4\. Make Sonny fall in love with you so you will not have the sad feelings anymore.  
5\. Yes good perfect now you can take a nap you deserve it

Having formed his plan Rafael was able to rest easy and promptly fell asleep, beginning to drool on the couches expensive suede material.

The next day he decided to call in sick, not feeling like powering through his hangover or the emotional turmoil he was still experiencing. He found the plan he had written down in Sonny’s old notebook. As well as a list titled ‘the bestest things about Sonny,’ featuring many brilliant observations such as ‘those pretty eyes he’s got’ and ‘when he rolls up his sleeves and his arms do the thing.’  
Anyway, although his plan was extremely simplified and very lacking in punctuation Rafael thought it made some good points. He decided to follow steps one and two and then he could at least develop some sort of rapport with Sonny before he had to see him every day at work. Then eventually he would get to step four.

With that figured out Rafael spent the rest of the day working as much as he could from home and composing his message to Sonny. It was slightly embarrassing, obsessing over what he would say to a boy he liked reminded him way too much of high school. It really shouldn’t have been as nerve wracking as it was, he had seduced Sonny before and he hadn’t even been trying that hard, it just kinda happened. This would be like round two on easy mode. He did eventually come up with a something that he thought was casual yet friendly, ‘Hey, this is Rafael Barba, we work together at SVU, sorry to hear about your accident.’ He somehow managed until three pm the next day until he couldn’t wait anymore and finally sent the message.

Twenty excruciating minutes passed before his phone buzzed from where he had very calmly thrown it across the room. The conversation that followed was short but it was one of the first times since all this started that Rafael was able to really relax.

‘Thanks for the concern buddy, Amanda told me about you. According to her we’re pretty close?’

Rafael took a moment to thank God for Amanda Rollins before typing his response. He had to be purposefully vague in his attempt to only lie by omission.  
‘Yeah I helped you out some with some stuff for Fordham and we go out for drinks after work sometimes.’

Sonny replied to this almost instantly.

‘Well I could use all the help I can get at this point, maybe you could come over sometime and educate me on my own life lol.’  
Rafael rolled his eyes, Sonny’s immature style of texting would normally annoy him but at this point it just worsened the consistent longing and pain he had in his chest. However he had to jump at the opportunity the detective had given him.

‘You busy tomorrow? I could come over and help you prepare for work on Monday.’

He began to pace around the room, waiting impatiently for Sonny to respond.

‘Sounds good, 2 O’clock?’

‘I’ll be there.’

Rafael finally put his phone down and sat in his arm chair with a sigh. The thought of seeing Sonny, maybe even being alone with him, made his blood buzz with adrenaline. He was on such a high he couldn’t stop the excitement coming through his voice when his mother called.

“Hola, Mamí.”

She made a discontented noise, “Rafi, glad you sound so chipper. Are you aware you haven’t visited your poor mother in over a month?”

 XxxxX

Rafael raised his hand to knock on Sonny’s door, finding comfort in how solid the wood was under his knuckles. “Be there in a minute!” He heard shouted through the door. He shifted his weight from foot to foot as he waited, taking a moment to look at the outfit he chose one more time. A pair of well-fitting jeans and a long sleeve blue button up. Sonny had picked this outfit out for him, said it made him look ‘hot yet approachable.’ Rafael responded that Sonny was in no position to be giving fashion advice but of course he’d bought both pieces anyway and worn them anytime he didn’t need to wear a suit for almost a month. Of course that had more to do with the way Sonny couldn’t keep his eyes off him then how well the blue complimented his skin tone.

Speaking of Sonny, he finally opened the door in sweatpants and a Ramones t-shirt with a lopsided grin on his face. His hair was un-gelled, and curling freely over his forehead. Rafael was grateful he had decided against wearing a suit.

Rafael resisted the urge to embrace Sonny, he was so relieved just to see him happy and in one piece. Instead he offered his hand. “Rafael Barba, glad to make your acquaintance for the second time, Sonny.”

Sonny laughed and gave Rafael’s hand a firm shake, “you and I must be close, you’re the only one from work who called me Sonny without any reminder.” He turned and headed back into his apartment, gesturing for Rafael to follow him in. “Sorry it took so long to answer the door, I must’ve reorganized or something ‘cause I got no idea where anything is, so it take forever to get ready.”

Rafael closed the door behind him as he followed Sonny into the sitting area, grabbing his usual spot on the loveseat, Sonny sat in the arm chair across from him. “Well, I’ve been over here before so I might be able to help if you’re looking for something in the kitchen.” Rafael offered. Omitting the fact that he usually came over here four or five times a week. Also no, Sonny did not reorganize this apartment, Rafael did.

“Yeah that’d be great, for now I’m actually more concerned about law school. According to this,” Sonny gestured to the degree hanging on his wall over the television, “I already graduated, but it seems like that’s not much use if I don’t remember the last two years.”

Rafael furrowed his brow and cocked his head in confusion, “last time we talked about it you weren’t planning on taking the bar.”

Sonny rolled his eyes and chuckled. “You sound just like my little sister. She said I should thank my old self for doing all the work and focus on bein’ a good detective. But y’know I figure somethin’ I learned must have been what made me worth keeping around for two years.”

Rafael frowned at that. He wanted to object. It was true that Sonny’s knowledge of the law was helpful but it wasn’t the only thing that made Sonny a great detective. But then he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to be in love with this Sonny, at least not yet. So Rafael simply raised a questioning eyebrow and smirked, “That’s a lot of pressure to put on a law school, especially Fordham night classes.”  
“Hey, low blow, not cool.” He said, laughing and placing an offended hand against his chest, “you’re supposed to be helping me, not bullying me.”

Rafael shrugged and leaned back in his seat, settling easily into the familiar rhythm that came with picking on Sonny. “I think you’ll find I’m very good at both.”

Sonny scoffed and, then something seemed to dawn on him. He leaned over to the bookshelf on his left, pulling a large piece of construction paper down with his impossibly long limbs and placing it on the coffee table between them. Once it was spread out Rafael could see that drawn it on was something similar to a family tree, except at the top was big square with Sonny’s name on it, below his names was a few scribbled notes. The rest of the paper was filled with similar squares containing various names and notes, they were connected to each other and Sonny’s square with lines of various colors.

“What is this?” Rafael asked, leaning forward to rest his elbows against his knees and get a better look at the chart.

Sonny gave a slightly sheepish smile that made Rafael’s chest ache with fondness, and a strong desire to reach out and touch him. Luckily before he could do anything dumb, Sonny answered his question.

“Well, when they released me from the hospital I was tellin’ my sisters that I had no Idea how I was gonna keep track of all these new people. I mean I’m good with faces but there’s everybody at work, new law school buddies, every person in this complex has changed. Every time I walk outside there’s someone new and I just-“ Sonny stopped himself, Rafael could tell he was getting worked up about this. He took a couple deep breathes and continued. “Anyway, then my oldest sister, Gina- she’s really into plannin’ and stuff - she suggested that I make this, it’s called a relationship map. I write down everybody I meet, notes about them, and all the squares are connected with different color lines dependin’ on what kind of relationship I’m in.”

Rafael nodded, staring intently at the paper which completely covered the coffee table. “What do the different colors mean?”

Sonny seemed to perk up at Rafael’s interest, “Ok, so, green is co-workers, so this whole part on the left, that’s the Manhattan precinct, mostly green. Blue is friends, you want me to add that to our connection?” He asked casually.

“W-what?” Rafael’s eyebrows shot up towards his forehead.

“Do you want me to draw a blue line between our names? Not that I’m gonna forget we’re friends, but right now it’s just a green line.” Sonny stood and grabbed a blue highlighter sitting on the dining table counter across the room (Rafael managed not to stare at Sonny’s ass as he made the short journey, proving he had some shame,) then sat down and looked at Rafael expectantly.

He wasn’t completely sure how to answer. On the one hand, Sonny was his best friend, on the other hand putting it down in this chart made it feel so official, like Rafael was giving up on their romantic relationship already. Rafael noticed the boxes that read ‘Amanda Rollins’ and ‘Nick Amaro’. He tapped his finger on the paper to get Sonny’s attention. “What’s this red line connecting Amaro and Rollins.”

Sonny frowned, “That’s people who are dating, or in this case used to date. Fin told me they’d had a thing before he left. Figured I should mark it down, so I don’t say anything dumb around her.”

Rafael smirked, “Wise choice, detective. It looks like you’ve got a pretty complete chart.” He realized how that might sound, considering he the way he had just dodged Sonny’s last question and rushed to corrects himself. “Well, it’ll be better once you add that blue line between our names.” There, that was easy. It didn’t mean anything besides that, he was over thinking. It didn’t mean they had to be platonic for all eternity

Sonny grinned and followed Rafael’s instruction, “Awesome. Y’know, it’s crazy, I know I lost two years but I can hardly believe everything that’s change. I even got a niece I had no idea about, from my little sister Bella with her boyfriend Tommy. Actually, he’s her husband now, which is insane because-“ Sonny stopped suddenly, glancing down at the table and then back at Rafael. “You know Bella and Tommy, don’t you?”

“That is correct.”

“Yeah, yeah, you met ‘em cause you, umm...” Sonny snapped his fingers a couple times, probably trying to jog his memory. Rafael noticed his face becoming a bit red. “Don’t tell me, she already told me, it’s a um….” Sonny let out a frustrated breath of air, he slammed his fist down on the coffee table suddenly, causing Rafael to flinch.

“Fuck!” Sonny stood up, began to pace back and forth angrily a few feet from where he had been sitting. His hands hung at his sides but as he walked he would clench them and unclench them repeatedly, which Rafael knew from experience meant he was gearing up to punch the nearest wall.

“Listen, Sonny-“

“Don’t,” he interrupted Rafael, “I’m alright. Why wouldn’t I be? I just lost a huge chunk of my life, but it’s ok. Some little kid who calls me uncle that I’ve never met before, that’s fine. Two years of Law school down the drain, all that progress at SVU. But, y’know, who gives a shit? I got this damn chart, so I guess it’s all dandy.”Sonny was getting more worked up by the second, beginning to move his hands wildly as he spoke. Rafael waited a few moments, to make sure he was done with his rant, before trying to speak again.

“Look nobody said this was going to be easy, it’s hard work, but I’m also sure nobody expects you to relearn all that information in a few days. It’s fine to be angry or frustrated but just give it time, cut yourself some slack.”

Sonny looked at him and Rafael could see that listening to his words had slowed Sonny’s momentum a bit, gave him room to simmer down. He inhaled deeply as if bracing for his own words. “Just… tell me how you and Bella met. Then I’ll know, I’ll remember, and I can stop feeling like I’m going crazy. I just hate not knowin,’ y’know? Not remembering no matter how hard I try.”

Oh. That was a punch to the gut. He knew then that he would have to tell Sonny about what they were to each other. This was not his round two, he would not exploit Sonny’s memory loss to seduce him. Rafael only truly cared about a few things in this world and one of them was standing there asking for the truth. The funny thing was he didn’t he didn’t even know what he was really asking for.

“I, um, prosecuted Tommy’s old parole officer.”

Sonny covered his face with one his hand and laughed ruefully. “Damn. I should’ve remembered that. Did we win? The case I mean.”

Rafael smirked, breaking the melancholy mood. “Well, we cut a deal, but Tommy got some justice and a new parole officer, so that’s a win in my book.” Rafael actually felt good about that case, even though she got parole without serving time. It had a far brighter ending for the victim than a lot of his other cases.

Rafael stared intently at Sonny’s face. The angry redness was no longer there but he was still obviously on edge. “I think you could use a drink.”

He stood up from his chair as Sonny collapsed into his own and waved vaguely at the kitchen. “Yeah, thanks. I don’t know where the alcohol is, but I’m guessing you do.”

Rafael nodded his head reluctantly, not wanting to remind Sonny of his memory loss more than necessary. He walked the few steps to the kitchen and crouch down to rummage around in the lazy Susan. This was good, telling Sonny would be much less frightening when he was drunk. There was this perfect moment a few drinks in when Sonny always became almost disgustingly nice and forgiving. One time in a bar, Sonny was about to order his fifth drink, a waitress spilled soup in his lap and Sonny apologized to her.

After finally finding the bottle of whiskey hidden behind a box of Rice Krispies, he realized he had been crouched down just long enough for his knees to really ache when he got up. The pain forced an embarrassing groan from his mouth.

“You ok?” Sonny asked, twisting around in his chair to get a better look.

“I’m fine, just old.” He grabbed two glasses from a cabinet and rounded the island to hand Sonny one of them and the whiskey. “It’ll happen to you too someday, stiff joints and a back that never stops being sore.”

“Pfft,” Sonny laughed, pouring himself a drink and handing the bottle back to Rafael. “Not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m no high school student. Thirty four- I mean thirty six- is not that young.”  
Rafael flinched, waiting for Sonny to say something about not knowing his own age, but instead he just took a long drink from his glass. So Rafael followed his lead, and they drank in companionable silence, until about 30 minutes later, when they both found their voices.

“Listen, Sonny, there’s something I need to tell you.” Rafael began, gathering all his courage for the great reveal.

Sonny held up a hand to stop him from continuing while finishing the last of his sixth drink. “Real quick, I’ve just been wanting to say that I really appreciate you talking everything out with me today, and for helping me with Fordham. Although I’ve hopefully already thanked you for that. You’re a really amazing person.” A warm feeling bloomed in Rafael’s chest at these words, filling him with confidence. “But, y’know, no homo.” Sonny finished with a hiccup that Rafael might describe as cute in a different context.

Ok, never mind, Rafael was such a bad Catholic but he was gonna have to lie to Sonny about his own life for a few more days. He was a damn good lawyer but even he couldn’t pull off following ‘no homo’ with ‘actually, surprise, yes homo, specifically with me.’ Besides he was kind of embarrassed to admit he dated Sonny at the moment. No homo? How could he be totally certain Sonny wasn’t in high school when he went around saying stuff like that?

“So, you said you needed to tell me something?”

“Y’know what?” He said purposefully exaggerating a drunk slur. “I just forgot.”

And because Rafael was due for some good luck at some point, Sonny did not question that. He found it extremely, unreasonably, hilarious. So Rafael found comfort in silently watching the smile lines at the corners of Sonny’s eyes, for a second he almost did forget about everything else in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez, Rafael is hard to write. The process for this chapter was long and painful, hopefully that does not translate to the actual work. Also forgot to mention this earlier but Rollins was never pregnant in this story because babies are hard and obviously I have no idea what's happening in the upcoming episodes involving her. I plan to switch between Barba and Carisi POV every chapter unless plot makes it too difficult so next chapter will be Sonny, yay! Btw any medical/hospital stuff that is mentioned is total BS that I just made up so try not to think too hard about it.
> 
> Special thanks to my dad for educating me on the many joint and back problems of a 40 something man who spends all day at his desk, helps to keep my writing grounded in reality. Also thank you to my older brother who edits my chapters and is kind enough to put up with my atrocious lack of commas.


	3. The only thing worse than not knowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ BEFORE READING THIS CHAPTER
> 
> 1\. I apologize profusely for the long wait, I don't know what's wrong with me that I waited a year to finish a 5k chapter. if you're still reading this I love you. Hopefully the new chapter won't take another year lol. Like seriously I have two cousins who didn't exist when this story was started.  
> 2\. This chapter contains, internalized homophobia, and use of the q slur. I am not straight if that makes you feel more comfortable about it.  
> 3\. Since this story is so old there are some thing I wrote that I probably wouldn't write now, so just to be clear, my intention was not that anyone should feel ashamed for staying in the closet, just that Sonny felt some guilt afterwards that him not being out affected his and Rafael's relationship so much, as well as being grateful that Rafael had stayed with him through all that.  
> 4\. This chapter has not been beta'd 'cause I was so impatient to finally get it up so any mistakes are totally my fault and hopefully won't negatively affect the reading experience too much.

“Dominick ‘Sonny’ Carisi, are you drunk?”

Sonny flinched at his mother’s voice, coming through the phone speaker way louder than necessary. “Nah, Mom, I was, but I think I’m on my way to just hungover”

Ugh, he had dry mouth. Sonny got up from where he had been laying on his bed and headed towards the kitchen in search of something to wash the gross fuzzy feeling off his teeth.

“Why are you drinking at three in the afternoon on a Sunday?” She asked, the concern in her voice was evident. But Sonny was not born yesterday, he knew this was just meant to lull him into a false sense of comfort before some sort of guilt trip. He took swig from the Gatorade bottle he’d found at the back of the fridge to prepare himself.

“Y’know, me and your father, we would be happy to have you stay on staten island for a bit if you’re having trouble adjusting. I know you like to be independant but is it really worth all this stress you’re puttin’ on me and your sisters?”

Sonny sighed, pressing the heel of his hand to a spot on his forehead where a headache was beginning to form. It was nice, hearing the familiar sound of his Mom not so subtly guilt tripping him. Except they’d been over this a million times. “Yeah, I know, I’m the worst. But, I gotta go to work, the routine will help bring things back to me.”

Sonny walked from the kitchen to his living room and threw himself onto the loveseat where Rafael had been just a few hours ago. Hanging out with him had been fun, even if he had embarrassed himself a bit after he showed Rafael the relationship chart. God, he had held it together for days with his family, plus that awkward visit from Benson and Rollins, but a couple hours with Barba and he was done. Not being able to remember things was so much more frustrating around him for some reason. It was probably ‘cause he was the A.D.A, basically Sonny’s superior. He always got weirdly jumpy around guys who outranked him, always wanted so badly to impress them.

His mother hummed thoughtfully, “OK, but I'm sending Bella over to check on you."

"When?" He asked letting his head fall back against the back of his chair.

"Wednesday, so make sure you're not drunk."

Sonny let out a frustrated groan. "Ma, it was a social drink, I was meetin' a coworker. It's not like I was sitting alone in my apartment drownin' my sorrows."  Well, that was half true, he had not been alone.

"Alright, alright, I should be going, give you some time to cure that hangover."

"Thanks mom, tell Bella I’m lookin’ forward to her visit.”

She laughed knowingly, “if you wanna lie to your sister do it yourself. Now, I really do have to go, I love you.”

“Yeah, love you too.”

Sonny waited for his mom to hang up first, just in case she had any last minute things to add, then shoved his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants. He thought about going back to bed, since the only reason he’d woken up was his mom’s call, but he wasn’t too keen on completely wrecking his sleep schedule, by going to bed at 6 o’clock the day before his first day of work. Then he remembered law school, Jesus, that was gonna be a pain to deal with. On the one hand, like he’d told Rafael, even if he didn’t take the bar he still wanted the knowledge that came with those last two years, on the other hand he wasn’t sure he could afford any more student loan debt on his salary.

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted his laptop, charging on the ground across the room. He had taken a quick look at it when he first got back from the hospital, just long enough to confirm that the one thing he hadn’t changed in the past two years was his passwords. Not very smart considering all the important stuff he kept on his computer.

Oh. Important stuff.

Sonny jumped up from where he was sitting and grabbed his computer, balancing it on his lap as as he sat back down. Why didn’t he think of this before? He kept everything on his laptop including all his stuff from law school. He could study all his notes and reports, maybe get something close to a real education.

He logged into the computer quickly and as soon as the desktop loaded he began scrolling through the documents list, searching for anything with the words ‘Law School.’ He had just finished scanning browsing the files starting with N when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

It was a text from one of his law school buddies, Michael, they’d been friends since he started at Fordham. ‘Hey man, wanna grab a drink tomorrow? Celebrate your second first day at Manhattan SVU.’

Sonny grimaced at the mention of alcohol as he typed out his response. ‘Not in the mood for getting drunk again, maybe we could grab dinner?’

Michael suggested they meet at a little fish and chips place at 8:00, Sonny sent back a quick ‘sounds good’ and turned his attention back to his computer.

He realized he’d been leaning on the down key this whole time and was now at the end of his list of documents so he began to scroll back up slowly. It was then that he saw it, plain as day, a folder, nestled between ‘penguin background’ and ‘project info’, labeled 'porn.' That was weird. Sonny had never been one to download pornography, he always just kind of found a video online and then tried to forget about it once he was done with his business. Whatever was in here must be really good if he went to the trouble of saving it.

Sonny double clicked the file and waited for everything inside to load. He took quick glances at the thumbnails for each document, making sure it wasn't anything too- Wait. This wasn't porn,  although it did make him feel kinda dirty. No, what he was looking at right now was.... pictures of Rafael. As in Rafael Barba the A.D.A. who had been sitting here in his apartment no more than five hours ago.

Some of them were normal, things a guy might have on his computer for non-romantic reasons. A couple group pictures, probably taken from articles about cases won, that Rafael just happened to be in. There was also a picture of Benson and Rafael. She had one arm slung over his shoulder and the other was extending upwards, presumably to hold the camera.

After that though, just Rafael, lots of Rafael. Rafael cooking, Rafael watching TV. Rafael in Sonny's bed, sitting up halfway, leaning on his elbows, wearing nothing but a fondly amused smile and a thin sheet barely covering his crotch.

Oh, god, Sonny felt sick to his stomach. This was impossible, he wasn't gay, he'd made sure of it. But it somehow got worse, after the pictures, there were screenshots of text conversations.

Once again some of them were pretty neutral.

 

Rafael : my place?

Sonny: you know I can't

Rafael: yeah sorry, I'll be at yours in 20

 

But other conversations were much more…. Incriminating.

 

Sonny: I miss you, Rafi.

Rafi: I've only been gone a few days.

Sonny: It feels like forever.

Rafi: Yeah? How much do you miss me exactly?

Sonny: When you get back, I’m gonna take you back to my place. I'm gonna press you against the nearest wall, get down on my knees and su-

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Sonny pulled the computer off his lap and practically threw it onto the coffee table. This couldn't be happening. Rafael had been in his apartment for almost two hours, he hadn't felt any kind of sexual tension. Had he?

He began massaging his temples and taking deep breathes to hold off another wave of nausea. God, he could barely get enough oxygen in his lungs. Was he having a panic attack? Anxiety attack? Was there a difference? Ok, focus, he just had to figure out what was going on. There had to be some sort of explanation for all this. A lot can happen in 2 years, but Sonny had maintained his heterosexuality for 34 years, people accused him of being ignorant but even he knew you don’t just decide to be gay one day.

So, reluctantly, Sonny sat back up, pulled his computer back into his lap and opened it again. He would just scroll through, see if he could figure out how all this happened. He scrolled past what must have been 100s of screenshotted conversations, not having the stomach to read those quite yet, before reaching the end of the folder. There was one more thing, the very last document, a video. He knew he shouldn't watch it, it would just upset him, but Sonny had never been able to resist curiosity. So he opened up the video.

It started with a view of a living room that Sonny had never seen before. It was upscale, with a pretty minimalistic design, not too flashy. The camera moved closer until Sonny could see that it was, who else? Rafael, sitting in the couch facing away from the camera.

"Hey, Rafi." He heard himself say, Sonny guessed he was the one holding the camera. The view changed then, moved around the couch until Sonny could see Rafael's face. It looked like he was reading a book that rested in his lap but he gaze shifted upwards when Sonny spoke.

"Cariño, what's with the camera?" He reached forward towards Sonny until his hand was out of frame. The view moved down until Sonny could see Rafael's hand on his- well video him's- hip.

"I just thought you looked really handsome today, wanted to get something to remember it."

Sonny actually managed a smile at his own inability to ever be subtle about what he was feeling, at least that hadn’t changed. Ok,this wasn't so awful. He had obviously just gone through some kinda experimental phase with Rafael. No big deal, Sonny wasn't a bigot, he could deal with this. It was weird as hell but he could deal.

Sonny could hear a chuckle, and then Rafael speaking in a teasing voice. "Come here, let me give you something to remember."

The camera seemed to move again, Sonny guessed one of them had set it on a nearby table. He now had a much better view of both men, and could see that for this film he had decided against wearing a shirt. Sonny watched himself take a seat next to Rafael and lean in to press their lips together. If either of them was at all put off by the presence of a camera it really didn’t show as they immediately began making out. Rafael’s hands resting on Sonny’s jaw to deepen the kiss but pretty soon they moved on to tugging at his hair provocatively.

Sonny considered just stopping the video at this point, it was pretty surreal watching himself do things he didn’t remember but now that the shock had worn off it was clear he wasn’t gonna get any useful information from this video. Besides Sonny could tell where this was going and he didn’t think think the first gay porno he ever watched should feature himself.

But just as he was about to hit the pause button Rafael and video-Sonny pulled apart. Rafael cupped video-Sonny’s jaw again, running a thumb over his kiss-swollen lips and looking into his eyes. “Sonny, I love you so much.”

For a moment, Sonny’s stomach dropped so fast, he was genuinely afraid he would be sick.

Video-Sonny though, couldn’t have looked more please. He tipped his head forward to rest against Rafael’s temple, pressing a quick kiss there. “I love you too, Rafi.”

Oh. Love. Sonny had never I love you to someone he was dating. Not since high school when he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Love was, as far as Sonny understood, the exact opposite of just experimenting. It felt like he’d been hit with a ton of bricks. Flings could be forgotten, phases could be moved past, but love.

With a sigh Sonny finally did pause the video. He closed down his laptop, setting it gently on the coffee table, and let his head fall back against the back of his seat, rubbed at his eye with the back of his hand.

 

 

* * *

Normally, Sonny would be excited to go to work, he was a morning person. He was a look forward to Monday, excited even on the first day of school, kind of person. They didn’t call him Sonny for no reason. But on this particular Monday, three weeks into January, immediately after the Sunday which brought to an end one of the most stressful weeks of his life, Sonny was not excited to go to work. Because work meant constant reminders of what had happened to him. Everybody would know, he knew they would. How could they not know?

Then there was the whole thing with Rafael. Who Sonny had invited to his apartment less than 24 hours ago. He’d sat with Rafael, opened up to him, gotten drunk with him, and the whole time Rafael had pretended they were just friends. Sonny wasn’t even sure why he hadn’t told him? If they loved each other, shouldn’t Rafael want to be honest with him. Well, supposedly they loved each other. Sonny was still conflicted about that.

None of that really mattered though, Sonny reminded himself, none of it mattered because he’d told his parents and sisters that he was gonna go back to work and he was gonna be totally fine. So that’s what he’d do.

“Fuck.” Sonny swore under his breathe as he combed his hair back, when he realized he was going to be late for his first day back if he didn’t pick up the pace. He quickly settled his trembling finger long enough finish his hair and and tie his tie.

He rushed out the door, throwing on an expensive looking, charcoal gray, blazer that he definitely didn’t remember owning. When he’d dressed that morning, staring at his completely unfamiliar wardrobe, Sonny had briefly wondered if the change in his style was in some part due to his relationship with Rafael. He quickly pushed that thought aside though, it was too…. Too much everything for him. Luckily Sonny was very talented at compartmentalizing.

“Manhattan NYPD precinct.” He said to the taxi driver once he finally got himself out onto the sidewalk and hailed a cab.

The driver nodded, pulled away from the curb, and for a few minutes it was pretty silent, Sonny stared out the window just trying to not think about anything.

“So you some sorta cop?” The driver said eventually, interrupting Sonny’s train of non-thoughts. He looked at Sonny through the rear view mirror, checking out his suit and just his overall look in a way that makes Sonny squirm slightly.

Sonny shrugged, “I guess I am.”

The Driver laughed at that, cocked an eyebrow. “You guess?”

“Umm.” Sonny said searching for a more sane explanation for his very strange sounding situation. “It’s my first day at this new job, not so sure whether it’ll stick.” Or whether I want it to stick, is what goes unsaid.

The driver let out a dry cough-like laugh. “Yeah, I know how that feels. Well, good luck man, we’re here.”

Sonny looked out his window and was oddly reminded of going to dentist appointments as a kid. He always knew they were coming, his mom would remind him weeks and then days in advance. But still Sonny would always find himself sitting in the dental chair, feeling bitterly surprised that he was actually seriously being forced to go through such an ordeal.

As he paid the cabbie and stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of the Manhattan precinct, Sonny felt both dread and resignation wash over him. He did not bother to try calming his nerves or gathering his courage, just ignored the sick feeling settling in his stomach and walked through the front door. This was happening whether he wanted it to or not.

Immediately he was overwhelmed by the loud bustling of the police station. There was a secretary at the front desk, arguing with a man, both of them red in the face with frustration. Perps in handcuffs were being hauled to holding cells, witnesses and victims being walked to desks for interviews. Sonny instinctively took a step back towards the door, planning to head home and come back tomorrow, or never. He was immediately stopped though, when he bumped into something that was not there before and heard a little ‘oof’ behind him.

Sonny turned and saw a young woman, probably in her early to mid 20’s, wearing a standard NYPD uniform, fresh out of the academy if he had to guess. She also looked like she couldn’t be more than 120 pound soaking wet so Sonny could imagine how bad his careless step backwards had jostled her.

“Ah, sorry officer, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” He said with an apologetic smile.

“No harm done Detective Carisi, I probably should’ve been paying more attention too.” She smoothed out the front of her uniform and straightened her posture professionally but returned his smile nonetheless.

Sonny groaned internally, “I’m uh, guessing we know each other already.” He felt awkward reintroducing himself to people, no matter how many times he had to do it.

“Oh, Yes we have, Detective. I’m Officer Danielle King.” She reached her hand out for Sonny to shake and he gladly took it. “Captain Benson told all of us about your accident, just so we’d know what to expect, very glad to have you back so soon.”

“It’s good to be back Officer King.” Sonny said with more enthusiasm then he felt. He had a lot of motivation to fake it though with the way she was looking at him. Danielle obviously had a lot of respect and even a bit of admiration for Sonny, or rather, for the version of him before the accident.

“I could direct you to the SVU sector, Detective?” Her voice ticked up in question at the end, obviously trying not to offend Sonny with her offer.

Sonny nodded ruefully, he could hardly make a break for it now, besides, talking to a friendly face was putting him in a better mood about the current situation. “I would appreciate that, Officer.”

Danielle pointed towards a set of double doors near the far right side of the lobby. “Straight through there is the bullpen, your desk is near the front, next to Rollins’. Captain Benson’s office is at the very back.”

Sonny nodded his thanks and turned to leave.

“Wait, Sonny.” Danielle called before Sonny could even take two steps away.

Sonny turned to look back at her, surprised at the sudden use of his first name.

Danielle seemed to second guess her words before just deciding to spit them out. “When I first started here, I messed up a lot, with paperwork and handling suspects, got wrung out by my Corporal constantly. One time I messed up on a case you were working, and you were real nice about it. You told me you were the same when you first started here, really built up my confidence. So… when I say I’m glad you’re back, just know I really mean it.”

“I-” Sonny felt oddly touched but also extremely overwhelmed, almost at a loss for words. Whoever Sonny was before he lost his memory, it was certainly something to live up to. “Thank you, Danielle. I- thank you.”

Sonny could tell Danielle felt some embarrassment at her own words, but she just smiled politely and nodded before turning and going back to her work day. Which left Sonny to do nothing but face the real reason he was a here, with a sigh of acceptance, Sonny pushed open the door and walked through to the bull pen.

As soon as he did Sonny imagined everyone’s focus was on him, and unfortunately he did catch a few staring at him before quickly looking away when he caught their eye. He tried to remind himself that humans are naturally drawn to noises and movements, they weren’t judging him. He had no reason to be self conscious. Even so, Sonny could feel his face heating up with embarrassment as he made his way towards what looked like the Lieutenant’s office.

“Carisi!”

Sonny stopped at the sound of his name and turned to see Rollins and some man he’d never seen before walking towards him.

“Rollins, good to see you, and you too..” Sonny trailed off as he reached his hand out to shake with the other man.

He took Sonny’s hand casually and shook it, “Odafin Tutuola, fellow SVU detective, call me Fin, nice to meet you again.”

“Have you gotten a chance to speak with Benson yet?” Rollins asked.

Sonny shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged, “Nah, not yet, I just got here.”

“Well come here I’ll show you your desk, Benson can debrief you later.” Rollins said, oddly eager, she took Sonny by the elbow and walked him over to two medium steel desks, standard issue desks. “That one is yours, and I’m right across from you.”

Rollins indicated for Sonny and he did, though he was still confused about why Rollins felt the need to show him all this. Over her shoulder, Sonny could see Fin over Rollin’s shoulder, looking just as confused about why she was acting like this, but he just shakes his head slightly and takes a seat at his own desk about ten feet away.

“Did you and Rafael see each other this weekend?”

“Yeah,” Sonny frowned, that was the last thing he wanted to talk about right now. “He uh, came over to my apartment and we talked about law school.”

“Just law school?” Rollins said, one eyebrow raised questioningly. She obviously expected something more.

Worry ran through Sonny, did she know? No, obviously Sonny and Rafael were a secret, that’s why he had all that stuff stashed in a ‘porn’ folder, why would Rollins know? Except for the fact that she was still looking at him intently, searching his face for something that Sonny wasn’t sure of.

Sonny opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by Benson walking into the room.

“Carisi, good to see you, how are you feeling?”

“I’m alright, Lieutenant, all things considered.” Sonny said nonchalantly but secretly he was extremely grateful she’d shown up, he was afraid of where the conversation with Rollins would have gone if it’d been allowed to continue.

“I’m glad to hear it, you should come by my office and talk to me in private later. For now, since everyone is already here I’ll go over our current case now.”

Benson dragged over a large whiteboard that had several photos pinned to as well as notes written in marker all over.

At the hospital when Benson and Rollins had visited him they’d mentioned the SVU was in the middle of a pretty serious case, so Sonny had expected something like this.

Benson pointed at a picture of a smiling women with long dark brown hair, “This is Caroline Seneca, she was raped four days ago. When we she was interviewed afterwards, she immediately identified this man.”  Benson gestured to another picture, this one of a dude in his mid-thirties with a face full of stubble. “Jason Dauher, Caroline claims he’s been stalking her for years, she got a restraining order against him a last year which he has since violated twice.”

“Me and Rollins interviewed that guy, he was creepy as hell.” Fin said with a slight grimace.

“Did he do it though?” Sonny asked. The picture of Dauher guy looked sketchy as hell, Sonny wouldn’t be surprised at all if he was their guy.

Benson frowned, “It’s possible but Dauher has never shown any violent tendencies, and he’s always been very sloppy when it come to stalking Caroline. Whoever raped her was extremely careful, left no DNA that we could find. However, while we were tracing Caroline’s steps of the night she was raped, Dauher did violate the restraining order again. Luckily you were able to stop him before he did any real damage, Carisi.”

“Me?” Carisi asked, it was still so weird to hear about things he’d done but has no memory for.

“When he saw that Caroline was with the cops he got angry, tried to grab Caroline, you tackled him to the ground in front of a hot dog stand. Some kid got a video of it I’ll show you later.” Rollins said, the corners of her mouth turned up in an amused smirk.

“The point is,” Benson said impatiently. “Dauher isn’t off the suspect list, but so far he’s alone. Fin why don’t you take Sonny with you and talk to Caroline’s neighbors again, try to find me a new suspect. Rollins, I have a statement from Caroline’s former boss about Dauher stalking her, I need you to drop it off with Barba for me.”

“Carisi should come with me.”

Sonny looked at Rollins, surprised, and Benson was furrowing her brow in confusion.

“He’s the new guy again, right?” Rollins said like that was any sort of explanation. “New guy is supposed to run errands, plus he should know where Barba’s office is.”

Benson thought that over for a minute before nodding, “Alright, Sonny you drop off that statement with Rollins, then both of you meet up with Fin.”

Her tone let him know that was more of an order than a request. Sonny resigned himself as he stood and pulled on his jacket to follow Rollins out the door. Well he already knew he couldn’t avoid Rafael forever.

* * *

 

“Um,” Sonny started, putting on his most polite smile for Rafael’s secretary. “I have some files for Barba. He’s probably busy so I can just leave them with-”

“Oh, no, no, no, go right in Detective. I’m Carmen, by the way, if you need anything else. You can go in.” She smiled at him almost excitedly as she gestured toward Rafael’s office.

Sonny looked at the door ruefully. It was nice like everything else in the building. Made of heavy looking dark stained wood and glass blocked by closed blinds. Even on the best of days Sonny would feel wrong just walking right in.

He would have preferred to not be here at all, Rollins had basically walked him to the DA building before basically abandoning him with some excuse about going over Dauher’s alibi.

“Are you sure? He’s not expecting me and I don’t wanna-”

“Detective.” She says, interrupting him again as the look on her face goes from expectant to pleading. “He has been in a bad mood since… your accident, worse than usual if you can believe it. The only person who could possibly help with that is standing in front of me, so, please, go right in.”

Her tone is professional but also holds no room for argument, so Sonny just nods curtly and walks into Barba’s office. He’s left to wonder, once again, how many people knew about his and Rafael’s relationship before he did.

Rafael’s office puts the rest of the building to shame. It’s large, probably the size of Sonny’s living room and kitchen combined. The far right and left walls are made up entirely of book shelves. As Sonny notices a small sitting area in the front corner made up of a loveseat, two arm chairs and a medium coffee table.  

At the very back of the office is Rafael’s desk, where he sits hunched over a pile of paperwork, looking stressed as hell.

Sonny stands silently for a moment taking in the other man’s appearance. Rafael is hunched over his desk, a prominent crease between his brow. His focus is almost laser like as he scribbles out a line of words on his papers.

“Hi.” Sonny finally ends up saying, holding up the manila folder in his hand like a shield as Rafael’s scrutinizing gaze is turned on him.

“Oh.” Rafael’s face softens as he seems to process who is in front of him. “Detective Carisi, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Uh, Benson sent me over, I have files for you, for that stalker case. I would’ve just left ‘em, cause I didn’t wanna bother you but your secretary said it was fine so I just sort of walked in.” He finished lamely, feeling incredibly awkward now that he’s actually here.

“Did she say why?” Rafael reached forward, taking the files, that Sonny he hadn’t realized he’d been gripping so hard until he was forced to release them, and dropping them on his desk without a second glance. His attention fixed on Sonny. He’s relaxed, smiling casually and leaning forward in his chair toward. He looked nearly identical to the video, handsome. No, Sonny didn’t think Rafael was handsome, that other guy in the video had said Rafael was handsome. That other guy who just so happened to be Sonny.

“Um,” Sonny started, struggling over what to say as his mind went to chaos. “She said that… she just said she didn’t think you would mind me bein’ here.”

Rafael nodded, the corners of his mouth turning up in an amused smirk. Sonny could tell right then, just from that, Carmen knew. Carmen knew, Rollins knew, Rafael knew they both knew.

And then there was Sonny, left out of the fucking loop.

“So, Detective, how have you been enjoying your first day back?”

Sonny clenched his jaw to keep from screaming in frustration. Was Rafael really not gonna tell him? He was just going to leave Sonny with this big gap of knowledge? Wandering around in the dark like a fucking idiot.

“I certainly hope that Benson isn’t-”

“I saw the video.”

Rafael snapped his jaw shut with an audible click, he looked a little blank for a moment, but his lawyerly instincts must take over because soon Rafael was clearing his throat casually and letting out an awkward chuckle to clear any tension.

“Oh, yes, Benson told me about how you took down Dauher. Some kid caught it on his phone, right? Very heroic.”

“Barba,” Sonny said through gritted teeth, he placed his hands on Rafael’s desk. Normally he wouldn’t be so aggressive in an argument, normally he wouldn’t use exploit his height advantage to make himself heard, but goddamit this was not normal and Sonny was tired of feeling like he was going crazy. “Stop lying to me. I saw the video on my laptop. Of us. Together. I also saw the texts and the pictures. So you better start fuckin’ explaining.”

Rafael’s relaxed expression fell away immediately, replaced by shame and maybe some panic.

Good. Sonny thought to himself, despite the spike of guilt he had to tamp down immediately after. He was just so damn mad he didn’t care about being nice anymore.

“I- I wanted to tell you. I just-” Rafael seemed to be struggling with the words, each one came out like it physically pained him. Despite this he held eye contact with Sonny steadily. “I thought maybe it would be better for you to get more situated with everything else first. Before we started… dating.”

Sonny flinched slightly at the term, but other than that stayed stock still, held in place by his barely contained anger.

“You were never very receptive to the idea of anything that might mean you were-”

“I’m not.” Sonny cut off Rafael’s words, finally taking a step back from that fancy fucking desk, he regretted coming here in the first place. Wished he’d never found all that shit on his laptop. “Whatever you think I am, I’m not. What we did was... I don’t know, it didn’t mean anything.”

He wanted that last part to sound especially firm, to let Rafael know he meant it, but instead he sounded weak even to his own ears. Desperate for his words to really be true.

Rafael looked at him with sadness and concern, maddeningly calm. “Sonny, I’m sorry, really. I should have told you right away. But now that you know, you need to think about what that means for you.”

“It doesn’t mean anything.” Sonny responded, frustrated he had to repeat himself, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I do, Sonny, you told me, several times, you told me you’d always secretly felt this way. You just spend so much time repressing it that-”

“No. Stop it. You’re lying, just like you lied to me before and you probably lied to get me to fuck you.” Sonny’s eyes are burning, there’s a lump in his throat that’s impossible to swallow. He’s so afraid of crying in front of Barba he finally has to let his anger out, let it go in full force.

“I’m not like you, Okay? I don’t care what you say, I’m not a fucking Queer!”

Sonny shouted the words as loud as he could, they strained his throat and put a sour taste in his mouth. But at the moment Sonny couldn’t bring himself to regret them, though he knew he should.

Rafael flinched back at the noise, but it was all instinct, Sonny could tell he wasn’t really frightened or even intimidated. As soon as the shock passed Rafael took on a new face that Sonny hadn’t ever seen before. Not the relaxed handsome man from the video, or the concerned one he’d been speaking to barely moments ago. Rafael’s face was now like stone, closed off, and he looked at Sonny with both hurt and spite.

When he finally spoke, his word were clipped.

“Detective, I think it’d be best if you left now.”

Sonny barely managed to nod in response. He turned and left Rafael’s office, releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding once he’s on the other side of the office door.

Carmen looked at him out of the corner of her eye. Sonny realized he’d probably made her job even more difficult, if Rafael was in a bad mood before,  Sonny couldn’t even imagine what he’d be like now.

“Sorry you had to hear all that.” Sonny said. He, for some reason, couldn’t get himself to move, so instead he hovered in the little area between Rafael’s front door and the rest of the DA’s office.

Carmen made a very subtle, but obviously disapproving, click of her tongue before responding. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to… Detective.”  She tacked on that last part after a pause, but it somehow felt less respectful than if she’d just called him a jackass.

  
Sonny let out a long tired sigh, unsure what to say in response. Then, finally, his brain restarted itself, and Sonny practically ran out of the DA’s office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment/leave kudos. It really does make me write faster, I swear. Constructive criticism is welcome. Come talk more about barisi with me, my tumblr is specialfalconunit :)

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, that took me way longer than it should have to write. I'll have the next chapter (from Rafael's pov) up within the next week. Constructive criticism is definitely welcome and will make me write faster.


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